Why?
by Immirtal Z bomie
Summary: Someone's thoughts on a loved one... warning: yaoi/slash hints. kind of angsty, i guess. ^.^


Disclaimer: Now, unfortunately I don't own Harry Potter, or it's characters…if I DID, I probably wouldn't be posting here, but working on another book, making Draco and Harry get together, much to the dismay of probably every parent in America…mahahahaha… ooooh how I wished I was J.K. ;_; but I'll just have to settle for table scraps. Oh well, I like table scraps, so there's my little disclaimer I hope you skipped over this boring part like most people. =D

  
Warning: if you're an observant person and can put two and two together, this has yaoi/slash hints in here. So...yeah..._ On with the story! Woooooo!  
  
  
  
Why?

  
It was in the middle of the night...or was it early morning? I had been having a nightmare again. When I woke up I didn't know where I was a for a moment, then I looked u to see a shadowy figure luring over me, sitting next to me on the bed. He brushed a few locks of hair from my face, as it stuck dampened from a cold sweat. He whispered worriedly, yet quietly as not to disturb the other students in the room, "Are you alright...?"  
  
Just thinking of his deep voice, coming from the darkness of night, to comfort me in my time of need...still sends chills down my spine.  
  
I remember nodding weakly, turning my face away from him, embarrassed from him having to wake up in the middle of the night, just because of a bad dream. He could see through me, and my embarrassment. He slipped under the covers of my bed, and pulled me close to him. A warm, comforting embrace that made me feel safe, protected...and loved.  
  
How many times had he done that for me all those years? I think I've lost count by now. It doesn't matter anyway, even if I did remember. All those comforting words, small kisses, and love poems... where they real? I wonder that with sadness on days like this, nights like this. Where I sit in my bed. Alone.  
  
I often think about the place where we met. The place where we fell in love - or at least I did. Was it a lie? An act? I don't even know why I even bother anymore, I decided I got over this years and years ago... But there are some things you just can't let go, I guess. At least things I can't let go.  
  
Why? Why do I go on and on over this? He betrayed us, betrayed our trust. My trust. My love and devotion for him...did he, does he even know how much I loved him? How much it hurts me to know I still do? I tell myself over and over that he was a fake, it was an act. He killed Peter and James, and left me to be the only one left. I'm the last of the Marauders. How could he do this? After everything we had been through? Doesn't he care? Obviously he doesn't, and never did.  
  
But then, the back of my mind, my instincts...or more like my heart...tell me to believe his story. His unlikely story. Peter would never do such a thing, to betray us...but then again neither would he.  
  
I hate him.  
  
I love him.  
  
I can't make up my mind. I lay in my bed pouring over these thoughts, in agony of my emotions. If only none of this would have happened. Where would we be today? Would we still be in love? Probably. Would we have gotten over it? Never. He was my heart, my soul, my everything. I spoke him, lived him, breathed him, and loved him. My world revolved around him. Again, my mind often asks, did he know that? Did he know how much pain I went through? Does he know what he's done to me?  
  
I won't be able to go to sleep tonight. I know this. What is he doing right now...? What is he thinking? Feeling? It's been so long since he's been in that place... that horrible.horrible place. Why do I feel sorry for him? Sometimes I just want to go and get him, pull him into my arms and never let him go...when other times I want to...I don't know. Sometimes when I'm angry, I let my anger get the best of me and wish him dead. Why do I feel guilty for it? After what he did to James? His betrayal?  
  
I go over this over and over...I don't know how many times. You might as well ask how many stars are there in the sky? How large is the universe? Why do you love? I certainly don't know, and I don't think I ever will. But I know I have to get some rest, I'll need energy and rest for tomorrow night...where there will be a full moon... 


End file.
